Welp. It’s December 2oth, 2011! Cole is officially “due”.

But don’t hold yer breath, folks, ’cause he ain’t holding his.

I’m feeling great. I’ve felt better my whole 9th month than I did in my 7th and 8th months combined. It was the same for me when carrying Jack. I like it when they drop down. Makes things a lot more comfy for me becuase they aren’t kicking my ribs and cramping my lung capacity. On top of that, I’ve had hardly any contractions, just a few nightly Braxton Hicks. Plus, I’ve been sleeping better the past week because I am over my head cold and so exhausted from chasing Jack all day, trying to stay on my feet to “help the dilation” (what a joke), and carrying around an extra 25 lbs.

In other words, this baby’s first Christmas may actually turn out to be Christmas 2012.

Even though I am physically feeling great, I can’t always say the same about my spirit. I am ready to hold this baby in my arms, and if Christmas weren’t FIVE DAYS AWAY, I wouldn’t care a bit about being late because it wouldn’t run the risk of me being laid up in the hospital, eating [gulp] hospital food on Christmas day, while my sweet Jack Jack is most likely at home having to wait to see what Santa brought until Mom and little bro get home.

Bleh. A Christmas to remember, right?

On top of that, any woman that has ever gone past her due date knows the personal aggravation and frustration that are felt from the comments of people around them. So, to add another entry to the Life Lessons (For Those That Don’t Know Them) category, here are the top three things that you should not say to a woman that is getting close to/past her due date…and the responses they will most likely incur.

“You still ain’t had dat baby yet?”

Verbal response: “No…not yet. Still hanging in there…soon we hope…”

Internal response: “Yeah, I had the baby! This is just left over water weight and the basket ball that I ate for breakfast. (Heeere’s yer sign…) Thanks for pointing it out, friend. NO, I still ain’t had dis baby!

“Oh, you should wait to have it on my birthday! My birthday is the [fill in the blank].” (Note: it’s usually a week or more past your due date.)

Verbal response: “Wow, okay. Well, ya never know…”

Internal response: “I’d rather perform a self c-section than wait to have him on your birthday.” What is the deal with that one anyway? Who cares if they are born on someone else’s birthday? Who wants their birthday thunder stolen?? I don’t! Plus, the people that usually say this are people that are not even close to you. Acquaintances at best.

(My personal favorite.)

“Uh oh! You know what you need to do. You need to [Insert any cliche or ridiculous advice, ie. drink castor oil, walk three miles, eat eggplant parmesan, do squats, sit on a balance ball, have sex, clean your house………pull your stinkin’ hair out!]”

Verbal response: “Ohp. Yeah, I hear that works for some people.”

Internal response: “What do you think I am doing? Sitting around with my feet up, eating bon-bons all day??? A walk? How ingenious…oh wait! I literally chase, wrangle, and lift an 18 month old all day! And are you saying I don’t keep a clean house as it is?? Oh, and the last thing I want to do is drink castor oil, where the most common side effect is not labor, but multiple trips to the toilet. Thanks, but no thanks, Buuuud.”

And there you have it.

Well, I hope you are having a lovely last few days before Christmas! The good thing is all my shopping is done (and has been for a while), so we are just holding out and hanging out, playing the holidays by ear! Hopefully the next time I write, I’ll be posting pictures of the sweet and inevitably beautiful (and don’t you tell me otherwise!) face of my baby Cole.

Maybe the best advice for starting labor would come from the example set by Mother Mary, herself. Maybe all I need is to take a nice long ride on a donkey’s back. I bet that would get things moving…

With love, Malorie

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